A Gay Son
Dear Doctor,
We are recovering from a shock.
Our son came home from his second year in college and announced to us that he is and has been gay.
He said that he has known it for a long time but did not have the courage to tell us. We did not know what to say other than tell him we love him.
Would counseling help?
He has always been shy and probably doesn’t know what sex is all about anyway. Is it possible to just think you are gay?
Shocked Mom
Dear Shocked,
Shock is temporary.
Love for your son will outlast it. Telling your parents such a close and tormenting secret takes enormous courage and a sense of trust.
You must have earned your son’s trust from the past. He is seeking your continued love and respect. Sexuality, in terms of object choice, is not entirely understood.
Probably there are strong biochemical and genetic factors which do predetermine a significant percentage of those who make same sex choices. Others seem more psychodynamically driven, that is from factors in their life, some almost accidental.
What we do know is that the desire and impulse is strong and powerful, not likely to be "changed", especially from counseling. I am fully aware of counseling, often from a religious viewpoint, which seeks to redirect sexual interests.
Frankly, it does not work and often puts an individual in a situation of incredible conflict, even agony. As a professional, I cannot endorse it and will not offer such advice to patients.
Your son may need counseling but more along the lines of appreciating and understanding his sexual inclination. You need to understand it, too.
May I suggest a great book which has been around for years: Now That You Know by Faichild and Hayward. It is available in paperback and worth the read, especially for newly informed parents. Over the years I have known gay and lesbian individuals who have left their lives for heterosexual and marital relationships.
More often than not there was complete honesty in the choice and some compromise in the nature of the relationship. Such a change is very rare, and I would encourage you to accept rather than hope or press for a "change".
Love is not easy to find, and when we do, its form often surprises us.
Tags: gay child, homosexuality, love and respect, parents, relationship
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