Cash Control
Dear Doctor,
I have a 20 year old daughter who lives with me.
She has a full time job and attends college part time. I have helped her twice get out of debt.
Each time she was right back where she started. Now she is bouncing checks again due to her shopping sprees.
She has a cell phone in my roommate’s name, and her car is in my name. I just found out she bounced the check for the car registration, several of her bills, and one to the court for a speeding ticket.
What should I do the next time she approaches me for help in straightening out her finances?
She hasn’t asked me yet, but I am sure it is only a matter of time.
No Money Tree
Dear No Money Tree,
Your daughter is still very much an adolescent.
Though responsible in many ways, money still is equal to love, at least in her mind. Since love is abundant, why shouldn’t money be as wonderfully plentiful.
All of us, in one way or another, learn there are boundaries and limits to cash, and the bank loan officer is usually not filled with unconditional love!
You must be your daughter’s teacher. It is a painful lesson. Tighten up controls. For example, make the car hers to manage. Get it out of your name. Be certain phone bills, credits cards, and other forms of obligation flow directly to and from her.
Then, help her in direct proportion to need, not wants, but need. This may mean your taking over a joint management of her paycheck or a regular audit of her finances. It is tough to know how much control to exercise.
You must then begin to say "no" to her requests for money. Make it clear to her the circumstances under which this will happen before she gets into trouble. Then do it, and allow her to solve her own problem.
You are, in reality, disciplining your daughter, helping her to become self sufficient. That’s what being a parent is all about. Her failure is not yours.
You will only fail if you do not set limits for her.
Good luck.
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