Daddy is a Wimp
Dear Doctor,
My husband and I have conflicting discipline styles. He doesn’t discipline at all. I am very strict.
The Kindergarten teacher said that our son is horrible whenever my husband goes on a field trip with the class. When he does not, our son follows all the rules. I am frustrated because my husband takes no action to discipline until the children are completely out of control.
At that point he explodes. I feel I am constantly having to discipline. I feel as if I have three children instead of two. The result is that mommy is mean and daddy is a wimp. Help!
No Mean Mommy
Dear Mommy,
Somewhere between Attila the Hun and the Pillsbury Doughboy must be a happy medium! Discipline comes from a Latin root meaning "pupil". It has to do with learning to control oneself.
Many avenues exist to make that happen between "strict" and "wimp". Allow me to give you a short recipe which may help but will not answer all your problems.
We need three things to discipline: head, heart, and (pardon me) guts — in psychological terms: cognition, affect, and behavior. If a parent is constantly punishing and equates that with "strict", the result is a child who cowers or sneaks. If a parent "reasons" with endless chatter, the child will become deaf to the communication and ignore the message.
If loving is equated with a hands off approach, the child will do as he or she might want.
In short, all three are needed to be effective. Further, research has shown that variety in approach is essential.
That is, sending a child to his/her room done day or hour in and out will result in accommodation to the pattern with eventual poor results. Thus "strict" or "wimp" is not the issue, balance and variety in approach is. If Dad is a major pushover, send him to his room with this column.
He can come out when he has heard the message!
Tags: how to punish, proper punishment, punishing children, punishment
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