Following and Learning
Dear Doctor,
I have an eight year old son who is a follower and does what others tell him to do.
I feel he does this so he will feel accepted by them. He is not a "bad" kid, very caring and sensitive. We need a way to curb his impulsive nature.
Typically, when he does misbehave, we take away privileges, i.e. TV, Nintendo, friends over, time in his room etc. Is this the right direction to go?
Trying
Dear Trying,
The secret word is "follower".
You are using it pejoratively, but think outside the box for a minute. If your son will "follow" others, he will "follow" you as well.
We are really talking about learning. That’s what "following" is all about! My hunch would be that he can be a bon vivant, loving others, their good ideas, and the fun things that can be thought about and accomplished.
He gets "turned on" by the environment! However, he is, above all, a thinker. The route to his inner life is through logic and understanding. Therefore, think about how you might talk with him and debrief his behavior when it goes awry.
This is much more important than punishing or any quid pro quo system for treating his misdemeanors punitively. The object is to teach, to enlighten, and to help him "follow" a different path and direction. Nothing will be quick and instantly successful.
Plan on repeating and reviewing again and again. Allow the logical consequences of what he may do to eventuate in results, usually negative, for bad choices. Watch how you label your kids.
They may become what you say they are!
Tags: follow, following, learning, peer pressure, the follower
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