No Heavy Lifting Dad
Dear Doctor,
My daughter is nine months old. Her father decided one month ago he wanted to be a part of her life. Within the last month my daughter and I have been going to see him so someday they will have a father-daughter relationship.
When we go see him, we stay a few days. While we are there, I still do everything by myself.
I change her, feed her, make her formula, calm her, and go to her when she wakes up in the middle of the night. He has never done anything.
My question is what is the right approach to make him see he needs to be a dad to her. She needs to know he is there for her. He does not know how to express or deal with his feelings.
If there’s any suggestion you have for me, I would appreciate it.
Thank you.
Trying
Dear Trying,
Becoming a father is done the old fashioned way. You EARN it!
Men who care for their children do so because of their basic character, their solid commitments and attention to responsibility.
The "Dad" you describe is a "no heavy lifting" kind of gent. Notice. You go to him. You take care of his child. You are the one who desires to have him assume a significant role in her life.
Help me understand what he is doing. The fact that he has a hard time expressing his feelings is pure psychobabble. It makes no difference and cuts no mustard as a viable excuse.
Dad sounds something to the south of lazy, uncommitted, and possibly more interested in how you become a father than in fathering itself. Start by allowing him to come visit his daughter. Stop taking her to him.
Set controls on the time and nature of the interaction. Give him some bench marks to achieve. "How about you give her the bottle now". "Let me show you how you change her". See if he passes the test.
May I make a prediction. Unless you do most of the work and make the effort, he is going to be more scarce than courtesy at a check out counter. Let him, no, make him pay his dues.
When your daughter comes of age to understand, she will decide who has been there for her.
Hopefully dad will grow to earn his way in her life and heart. If he doesn’t, nothing you will ever do will change his character.
Tags: commitments, father daughter, feelings, hard time, heavy lifting, interaction, relationship, viable excuse
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