Surprise
Dear Doctor,
Recently I had to find something on our computer which is located in our 17 year old son’s room.
While I was searching for my file, I discovered several other files which I opened. They turned out to be gay porn downloads, several of them.
Our son has never indicated he is gay, but he does not date. He does have many friends, is a good student, enjoys athletics, and has never been a moment of trouble to us.
We love him and want to let him know he is a good person. This is hard to do since I was invading his privacy in the first place.
Shocked
Dear Shocked,
Your story is not new to me. I have heard it before.
Your question is not new either. Simply put, it is: "How do we deal with troubling information we came by in a sneaky way?"
The answer: It all depends. It depends upon the kind of relationship you have had with your son up to this moment in your lives. If you have been open about all aspects of life, including sexuality, by all means raise the issue with him.
Admit your guilt in prying into his computer. You do not sound as if you fear your son’s possibly being gay. Therefore, your openness about such a topic might be relieving to him and to you as well.
On the other hand, if you have not been especially open and more likely to keep things from one another, it is going to be tough for you. Nothing can be as lonely as a private struggle with sexuality. Your son might well benefit from your insight and knowledge.
Sometimes a lonely struggle of the sort you might be describing has serious consequences, especially if the young person is unable to resolve the forces at work within. There are three ways to deal with this latent issue. The first is to ignore it. That would be irresponsible.
The second is to raise the issues involved without divulging your own perfidy. That is likely to be difficult for both of you. The third is to find a neutral and caring professional. Go see that counselor and tell what you have discovered.
If your son will consider going with you, open up about your findings, confess your own behavior, and then allow your son and the counselor to set the agenda and the pace.
Parents who go looking often discover more than they bargained for. Don’t you agree?
Tags: aspects of life, consequences, counselor, gay, guilt, homosexual, homosexuality, openness, pornograpy, relationship, Sexuality, young person
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