PowerForParenting.com

Not Quite The Brady Bunch

Dear Doctor,

My husband’s eight year old daughter came to live with us eight months ago.

I have a seven year old daughter from a previous marriage. There are suddenly a lot of new relationships within the family. It can be stressful at times. My husband and I argue at times (or disagree heatedly).

We do this much more recently, and it always comes down to an issue involving the girls. Any advice on how my husband and I can get through this in our family in a less damaging way for our own relationship.

New Step Mom

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Dear Step Mom,

You are in the forest, and you cannot see the trees.

You and your husband have both become instant step parents. Alliances form quickly, and debates ensue over who is getting an adequate supply of love. Criticisms of the parenting you see in the other rapidly come forth and produce unwelcome responses and resentments.

It isn’t at all like the Brady Bunch, is it! Begin with respect for each other. That’s what brought you together in the first place. Set aside some definite time for just each other and make a commitment that you will see each other through, no matter what.

Also make a decision to accept the honest opinion of the other without becoming defensive. Avoid the pronoun "you" in your discussions. "You always mess up when you…." Use "I" instead "When I hear this, I feel….." Accept the fact you will make mistakes.

The largest conflict will be over discipline. It is helpful for the non-biological parent to avoid becoming involved in direct discipline of the step child. If you feel the other parent is not doing a good job, save your comments for your private time together.

Practice fairness as if it were a religion. (It may be!) You begin all things with a decision, and I hear your desire to remain a couple. Only in this way will you be able to nurture both girls the way you wish. If things do not improve, get to a good family therapist.

Your family is too good to lose.

Tags: alliances, arguments, fights, marriage, relationships, step parents, troubled family life