The Parent Guru
Hi Dr Larsen,
My husband and I know of you, and your guidance has always been wonderful.
We have a teenage daughter who overall is a really good kid. She is 13 (almost 14yrs old) and is wanting more and more freedoms.
For example, she feels she should be allowed to hang out with friends all weekend sleep over, and then attend high school football games without parents. She wants to stay after school to watch other sporting events.
I honestly think she wants to attend these sporting events to hang out with friends, not watch the games. We do live in a small town, and that is a big activity for most to attend the high school home game on a Friday night.
My question is how much freedom do we allow her and how do we protect without smothering? I am very fearful of peer pressure at this age. I have friends who say all kids are going to drink and smoke so I’m just waiting for the phone call.
This past weekend some of the sophomores kids got caught drinking at a school dance, and they are all suspended. I am a wreck now about allowing my daughter to any function. My husband and I have used this incident as another opportunity to talk about what we expect as a family.
We have no alcohol in our house. I do not drink, and my husband rarely ever does. My kids friends parent’s all drink (some excessively). My husband thinks the kids should all be made to do more chores around the house to keep them busy.
However he also thinks that they should just want to do them. I feel they need to be told to do them and they need to be held accountable for them getting done. Can you please offer some guidance? Is this "normal" teenage stuff?
I am reading the book "Yes your teenager is crazy" and it makes me wonder about teenage brain development. Are we all in for kids doing totally stupid things, i.e. drinking and smoking?
Thanks so much!
Many Worries
Dear Many Worries,
You are afraid, and fear is the mother of mistakes in parenting teens. Calm down, organize yourself, and think about where you want to go with your daughter.
She came from you and your husband. She has good bedrock values and has inherited solid positive traits. The chances of those positive traits becoming the essence of her character as a woman, wife, and mother are very, very high indeed.
But the world is a difficult and, at times, twisted place. So, you are wise to set limits, watch for signs, and carefully monitor what is happening in her life. Do it quietly but with eyes open.
Avoid control battles. Do not preach. Ask searching and careful questions. Think before you act. Reinforce her best characteristics. Assume the best but prepare for anything that may happen. Don’t be a pushover. No book can tell you everything about mothering a teen.
In a few years you will be a guru and can write one yourself!
Tags: teenage freedom, teenage girls, teenager wanting more freedom
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